Your family didn’t change…. you did!

In your family or any family, we merrily go along with our roles. What I mean by that is you, are perhaps a sister to a brother. You are a daughter to your parent. You are the youngest to an elder sibling. And within those dynamics you may be the black sheep of the family. Or the scape goat. Or the good child. And since you are assumedly beyond the age of 18, you all have developed these roles unwittingly for that many years. And then you moved away and went to college.

Why is my family so different after I went to college? 

In your new environment, you are now a student. Maybe a pledge, a roommate and making new friends. And you are now free to be YOU….. This new role slowly develops over the first half of the semester. And then you go home over Thanksgiving. You are excited to see your family after having been away at college for several months. But things don’t feel quite the same. Your family does not seem like how you left them. This shift in awareness can bring up a lot of feelings.  It can cause some anxiety as your foundation does not seem the same.  Or perhaps your parents do not seem as solid as they were before you left.  Or maybe, you start to realize they were not necessarily the healthiest of people.

You can’t always go home…..

Recently I worked a client who went home for Christmas break.  When she was back in her home environment, she realized her parents were not unconditionally loving.  She had experienced several months of peace she had never known.  No one teased her, her professors respected her as an adult and no one needlessly rode her ass about her schedule.  As a result, she came back sad and confused…. her family had changed. She was no longer happy to go home.  But the reality was, she had changed environments and began living her life on her terms. And she loved it!

The juxtaposition of her new found independence and validation and the critical mannerism of her family created a rift.  But this is not a rift to necessarily mourn.  It is a new beginning of your independence.  You are living your life on your terms.  And not through the eyes of your parents; no matter how well intentioned they may be.